You guys and gals know Andrea from SoOverThis, right? I love her and her
posts are super enjoyable and witty. I especially love her unsent letters, even
though they come from deep frustration. As I had mentioned my struggle to write honest messages in my Christmas cards for my family, and now having ordered said cards, I can no longer ignore I need to start drafting letters. I'll take y'all's advice to go easy on me and do something short, sweet and generic. For my own good (and theirs). However, that wont stop me from writing what I'd really wish I could say... like this:
To my younger brother,
Has it already been a year since we last actually held a
conversation? Actually, it’s been more like 16 months. How time flies! Remember
that last engaging conversation we had about how you had not paid our father’s car
loan for 3 months and decided not tell anyone? The $200 in late fees I had to
absorb (on top of the unplanned taking over the car loan) really did create a
challenge in my budgeting. How kind of you to remember I love challenges, especially
right after I moved out of our parents’ home! Thank you for not letting me
slack off! But the fees were the lesser part of our conversation. What of you
letting the family car insurance lapse for 2 full months before I discovered we
no longer had coverage (and I had to pay the fees and overdue balance while hunt for new insurance), or how our older brother and sister in law were unable to qualify for the
loan on the house they loved thanks to those late fees in the car that trashed
his credit just as they were house hunting? That was great. There is never a
dull moment with you.
But let’s not dwell in the past! It was really pleasant to
see you last month. I had come off from working my full time job to my part
time job two days straight and crashed at our parents’ house on Saturday
night/Sunday morning. I had parked my car on the street by our mailbox, where
guests and strangers park, instead of in the driveway. You coming at 6am the
following morning and waking me up to move my car from “your” spot was just
what I needed to get my day started. I do hate oversleeping, and it's just a very bad habit. Friends don't let friends oversleep on Sundays! I was really
inconsiderate to think that 2 spots open in our driveway were enough. And I do
say this honestly, but how rude of me not to expect you, when you haven’t been
to our parents’ house for over 6 months and you were showing there unannounced.
I know we did not talk a lot, but perhaps next time you may
share some words of wisdom regarding that brand new car you were driving. Glad
to see that shorting your family has paid off so handsomely! And I do hope you’re
enjoying your new position. I heard that our sister in law was about to get
that promotion, but we both know you deserved it more, even as a new hire with 'a friend' inside the company. Stay well this holiday season.
****
To my mother,
…
Sorry. I don’t think I’m ready to put that one together!
But have a great weekend! Weather is supposed to be
beautiful around here, and though I’m working, I’ll be sure to enjoy it as
well.
Stop torturing yourself. Don't waste your time and energy on family who gives you so little. Just get cards with a pre-printed message like "Happy Holidays" that just require a signature. Put your energy into friends who can become your "chosen family". Otherwise you'll end up like another blogger who is married with kids, but still wastes precious time, energy and money in a desperate attempt to get her elderly parents to change and give her the love and attention she still craves from them.
ReplyDeleteDully noted. I don't think I'd ever crave for anything from them except for their own good. I still wish they'd get their financials straight, not because I have to cover for the slack, but so they can settle and enjoy financial freedom.
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ReplyDeleteActually I think this is healthy for you. Get it out and be done with it. We all know you are moving forward so I am not worried. Remember I am always here to listen to you.
Thanks! I think I need to let it out and leave it to stay out!
DeleteGee, don't let me ever get on your wrong side, ok?lol
ReplyDeleteSeriously, getting this off your chest in a letter you never send is healthy.....and I loved reading it! ;-)
Now go buy some cheapie cards at the dollar store and just sign them.
I just need to know--is your brother named Asshat or is it Douchebag? bwwaaaahhhhhaaaaaa
I would never, Sluggy! Their cards are bought and paid for (well, by the company!), so off they go once I get them... I think either of those nicknames would go lovely with him. Maybe I should add an AKA to the letter?
DeleteI think you need to forgive them. Take this from me--I have shitty parents and I eventually had to cut them out of my life. If you don't forgive them, the bitterness will overtake your life. Just because you forgive, doesn't mean that you need to have a meaningful relationship with them.
ReplyDeleteOh, I've never held much of a serious grudge. I'd be such a miserable person if I did! They've all been forgiven and have a clean bill for Christmas and wont be getting any coal from me. Though if it's not anger, I wonder what it is... I guess I've forgiven but not forgotten?
DeleteI'm with Judy, getting it out is healthy. It seems to have worked for me kind of..
ReplyDeleteIt's a great way to turn frustration into comedic relief!
DeleteI hope after these letters, you will start to feel better and enjoy the holidays as you should. If I were you I would not send any cards at all but as Judy pointed out, may be this is better for you.
ReplyDeleteSadly, unless I'm out of state (where all of my friends are), I'm not too hopeful to enjoy the holidays. Rather, I'm wishing for them to go by as quickly as possible.
DeleteGetting it out is healthy. But goodness, don't let them dwell in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI have to work on that. I only think about them during the holidays out of "duty". Can't wait for January to go back to normal!
DeleteIf only it were that easy to cut our parents out of our lives! Some people have the type of character that allows them to do that but I (and you too I suspect Tanner) am not like that. I like resolution. I like situations to be resolved in a manner that allows me to come to terms with what I need to come to terms with ... and THEN move on. Go ahead and write the letters that you need to write and take all the time that you need to take to come to terms with your past. THAT is the healthy way to do it otherwise you may become a severely depressed OCD spendaholic and hoarder with a drinking problem who just channels that need to find resolution in absolutely any other negative way you can think of. How is that any better?? No one but YOU knows what it was like to be you and, accordingly, you are the one who has to find the resolution. Uncover, discover and discard.
ReplyDeleteFamilies are so tricky! We've had our ups & downs with our families, but I always try to take the big picture point of view. We all have good intentions, but we're different people. Sometimes that means we drive each other crazy.
ReplyDeleteI write letters like this once in a while in my journal too...I agree with all the wonderful ladies that it's good to let it out...but you do need to move on. I think it's even healthier for you to stay away from your brother period. It's sad but true. Hugs to you!
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