As I had mentioned before, my parents left on their vacation for 15 days and are scheduled to return today or tomorrow. I honestly don’t know. They took their shiny new iPad with them. They left no bills paid. Left no food in the fridge. They didn’t even pay me back for the car insurance portion. I am starting to honestly consider the possibility they will not pay for the car insurance this time around either and I will get tackled with the costs. I feel sick just thinking about this.
I think they probably played me again. I don’t know why in heaven’s name I care about how they do. In these past 2 weeks, I’ve been going back and forth between where I currently live to my parents’ house to cook and clean and do laundry. I’m a guilty-as-charged enabler, and this really bites. I am still helping them out of my own time and pockets without any appreciation. They won’t even acknowledge my efforts.
My parents have really broken my heart and part of my spirit big time. AGAIN. I wish I could say it’s for the last time, but it won’t be. So that is where my desire to write posts has gone. I’ve done and deleted many drafts but they all sounded rather whiny. My parents honestly do not care and I shouldn’t care either. But I DO. I care they’re leaving my younger siblings without food in the house, without instructions of how to take care of the house/bills, how to contact my parents, anything. They just leave. Mother, dad: you fail.
I discovered two things:
1. They have discouraged me from ever becoming part of a family again. I never had intentions of marrying to begin with, but now I know for certain I won’t. I just don’t want to risk having in this sort of situation ever again.
2. I realized I am no better than an addict. At the bottom of these issues, I am still doing something that I know is bad for me, probably bad for them, it is costly, dangerous, toxic, and I cannot stop doing it. Both of those things have been beating down on me.
You need to print this post and leave it where your parental units can find it. You are doing a great thing for your younger siblings but as long as you enable your parents to use you they will. I speak from experience with my father and two younger brothers. I finally had to ignore them and eventually write the two brother off, They are users. I was relieved when my father passed as I nolonger had to feel responsible and he cost me thousands and thousands of dollars. Please, please walk away from this situation. How old are your siblings? I know you told us once but I don't remember. Can you get some counseling at work?
ReplyDeleteI think I'll be burned at the stick after saying my siblings are between 17 and 21. The councelling would be the same as you guys are giving me. What I need is someone to slap my hands if I try to help back. (And actually, I'll be re-burned at the stick for saying that... I have wished that my father wasnt in the picture. He's a big reason why I can't just ignore them all in a fair single move.)
DeleteAw, I'm sorry to hear about all this. I've been having my issues, too. It's easy to make plans and harder to make things happen, isn't it? And it's difficult to stop doing the things that are harming us and holding us back. I don't mean to sound like a self-help book. All I have is the puzzle, not the book. My brain has been somewhat of a pit of toxic mush lately - I know that doesn't help but at least you should know you're not the only one tackling issues. Keep your chin up - that's all any of us can do some days!
ReplyDeleteIt absolutely is harder to act upon it! And I don't understand why! Thanks, it does help a lot to know you're not the only crazy in this sort of situation.
DeleteI'm so sorry. I can definitely relate. I think that's why I have no need to feel rushed to get married and have kids. Family life scares the hell out of me.
ReplyDeleteI have actually thought that same exact thought... "family scares the hell out of me". And it does.
DeleteSorry to hear you have to keep dealing with this. I don't know why most of us find it so hard to break away from something we know is toxic and bad for us, I am the same to a point. But, you are an adult now and allowed to live your own life and not support their bad habits. Can you just make small steps to gradually pull away from financially supporting them? Take one bill you have been paying and tell them it's no longer in your budget to be able to afford paying it. Lie to them, if you have to - tell them your rent increased or something. Stick to it and once you are doing that after a period of time, pick something else you are paying for and stop. As long as you keep paying for things they will surely keep letting you! Sounds like they really need some tough love. If they get mad at your for not paying for something, so be it, just sweetly say, "oh, I thought you could afford it now since you bought and ipad and vacation". I'm sorry - I know unasked for advice isn't helping - I just feel so frustrated for you! You deserve to be treated better.
ReplyDeleteYour advice is definitely welcomed! I think I'll take your advice and change the car insurance to their bank account and let them deal with it... a LOT easier said than done, but that's one of the next steps, and it does hurt me to think I'd have to do this...
DeleteYou are a wonderful strong person first of all and you need to remember that. Now you also need to know that you are NOT your parents because if you were you would not be worrying about your siblings nor would you be worried about bills. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS.
ReplyDeleteNow that being said you can't save them either. Eventually as much as it hurts because no matter what you love your parents you will need to break away. I know I am giving you unasked for advice but for your own sanity and health you have to walk away. After all when is the last time you had a 15 day vacation.
It's not unasked advice, and coming from you, it's more like I should be paying you for it! These baby steps are taking too long to unattach me from them... wish I could just walk away, but how can I when they're still only 1hr away?
DeleteOh boy, is it going to hurt, but you have. to. stop. You can no longer afford - financially, emotionally, mentally - to take care of everything. And it'll hurt so badly because you care so deeply. Family ties run deepest, but this is NOT your responsibility. If you can get some counselling through work, take it. It's easy for us to say this, and incredibly hard to do, but they're either pulling you down with them or watching you drown. I like One Family's suggestion of weaning yourself off the bills. Their bills are not your bills or your responsibility, particularly if they have money for an iPad and a 3 week vacation in lieu of caring for their children. I'm amazed at your strength to this point and I know I'm not the only one who'll say "you CAN do this!" We're behind you 200%!!
ReplyDeleteI know you're right. And I have heard that family ties run deep... never thought they meant it THIS way. I have to try harder. Thanks for the support.
DeleteA child should never have to take care of his/her parents in this type of regard. Your cartoon is exactly right. You're basically giving a drunk a drink. I feel for you though. I hate that you let them ruin your view on family. It is such a wonderful part of life.
ReplyDeleteI have been told that a child should never have to take care of their parents while they should be able to take care of themselves... it doesn't sound that nice or good, but there are definitely truths behind the words.
DeleteMy other thought, after I hit send, was to help with your frustration of always having to bail them out and the fact that you, of course, can't budget for stuff you don't know about...just set a flat monthly amount you are willing to help out at this point. Once they reach that amount and need more during the month, tell them you have already spent $x dollars and that's all your budget will allow for the month. And if by some miracle they were under one month, DO NOT carry it forward to help them out the next month.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I started to do back in November'2010. I had only $550 I could 'afford' to give them. $400 for the car loan that is theirs and the $150 to pay for my portion of the phone bill and car insurance (which is actually a LOT less than $150). I still pay that as a flat fee, but it's the other smaller costs that have built up over the months, like paying extra for the insurance, utilities, food... can I just get disowned by them and move along?
DeleteOh Tanner, sweetie, I'm sending you a big hug! I don't have the first clue how to give you advice but I can be your friend and listen. There is no way I can even imagine how tough this must be for you. I agree with the others about counseling. If you can find someone to talk to I think it would really help you. I have always found that talking things out helps me.
ReplyDeleteI wish talking would help! But I'm so afraid I have heard all they have to say. I know what they have to say, but I'm a weak coward and will not heed to their advice. I appreciate that you're willing to listen and be there.
DeleteTanner, first read this.
ReplyDeletehttp://workingforagoal.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanks-all-i-get-it-now.html
You wrote it and especially take note of the part that says early January.
Everyone has given you advice that you can consider but only you can make the move.
Like Little Lamb said, I can be your friend and listen no matter how long it goes on. You are an awesome person and I will continue to listen.
Definitely read that post you wrote though. I hope it gives the effect I am hoping for.
And on a different note.
Thanks a million for critiquing my essay. I don't think I passed the exam but I'll update you on that when I post about it.
I am SURE you passed your exam! Come on, show some faith. You did really good on that initial one.
DeleteAnd thanks for calling me out on that. I think I do need to print some of my own posts to remind myself of the promises I make.
sending you big huggs as you deal with this. How old are your siblings? It's a real b*tch being caught up in a desire to want to have those family connections one needs so very badly and the knowledge that you are being taken advantage of. Wish we could all make it better.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make the font super tiny, but my siblings are between 17 and 21. I am glad that you understand what the need for other people means... I have felt the urges for family relations, but after seeing how bad/wrong it can go, I am not willing to risk it, not even for the benefits I hear so much about. It is kind of sad.
Delete((Tanner)) Sweetie, you CANNOT let your parents bring you down, especially about having a family of your own... You are the polar opposite of your parents, and you've shown that. I understand that you worry about your siblings, and I'd make sure they have food, etc... but your parents need to take care of themselves. It's utterly ridiculous what you're dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI know, I know. I am going to be a complete jerk and blame it on the 'addiction' part of it! I just cannot see it in myself to pick up and fully leave them to their fate. A heart is not that good of a thing on people like me.
DeleteHugs and prayers for you. You can't help people who don't need help, your folks don't need help!! They are happy with the life they have built. You have a vision for a very diffrent life than them. It's your turn, make the life you want for yourself. You will be a wonderful example for your siblings, they need a good example
ReplyDeleteI wish that were true... they see my parents' life as the example they want to follow, financially ignorant. I can only hope I will be VERY far away by the time they realize their mistakes. You can only help so much, but it still bothers you when the help isnt enough... I guess it's disappointing?
DeleteI'm so sorry you're going through with this! I agree with the other comments that you can do this, you can cut ties (even temporarily) with this nonsense in an effort to better your own life (and sanity!). I know I don't comment on here nearly as much as I should, but I hope that you know you have more support than you can even imagine.
ReplyDeleteThanks! That does mean a lot to me. I have cut so many ties, but there are so many more that keep me attached!
DeleteI don't mind your rants one bit. It shows your spirit.
ReplyDeleteBut, I would only give people a couple of chances to help themselves and then I'd be done. Parents or not!
m.
I need to start listening to you and everyone... how many chances is 'a couple of chances'?
DeleteI think you're waaaaaaay beyond a "couple of chances"!! Accept the fact that they have exceeded the "chances" for this and their next lifetimes and cut your losses. AND your siblings are old enough to look after themselves. By intervening you are also enabling your siblings to continue status quo. THEY also need to make changes in their lives but they don't have to do anything as long as you keep riding to their rescue. And please do not give up on the whole human race - just look at all of the comments here that are supportive and caring. You can still have a positive meaningful relationship AND you SHOULD!!
ReplyDeleteI know, I know! [hides face in shame]. I still love the human race, though. I just don't want them anywhere near a "family"/"relationship" status. Ever. For the time being...
DeleteAt least feel better in that there are others here who have or had crappy parents as well.....so you have our misery to keep you company. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhile you feel you are enabling(and some folks, looking in to your situation, would see it that way), I say don't beat yourself up when you bail them out.
I look at it as not so much enabling your parents unparent-like and irresponsible behavior, but more as feeling compassion and a sense of duty to your younger siblings. They are the ones you ARE helping! Helping not just financially but by being their and being the ONLY responsible adult role model, perhaps their lives will be better going forward as they take on the mantle of adulthood. You know their lives are better now, or as good as you can help them be.
So concentrate on the good you are doing here for them. And once they have moved on with their lives, maybe you can find the strength to move on from your parents' web of passive/aggressive control. It's going to take some backbone but when you are ready, you'll find a way to cut the strings. 8-))
Ok, so I just read that your siblings are 17-21 and they want to lead the same sort of financial life as your parents.
ReplyDeleteChange whatever I said above.lol
Your sibs are old enough to get. a. job. If the parents aren't taking care of food, etc., they need to grow a pair and find work and start taking care of themselves...ok, I'd cut the 1 yr. old some slack still. lol
Some people in this world are users. They will use you if you let them. It's a shame when your own family are the users.
You need to find the gumption to get out of this situation. Clean break or little by little extracating yourself and your money.....just start now!
You can't save a drowning man if your own boat is sinking.
Haha. Can I just keep your first post? I really, REALLY honestly need to start reading what you guys are saying... I think I'll outline those things later and see what it'd take.
Delete