Ok, ok. I got it. It sunk in. Well, it’s stuck in dry quicksand, but slowly sinking in. I could thank everyone individually, but that’d take me a while. I do want to thank Michele P. I was feeling like the ugly duckling and got very discouraged I was the only ‘enabler’ of the group. There’s no right way to put that, but I mean it in the best possible way! I was struggling with a different kind of debt and a different situation than most people I had seen, and couldn't find a way to relate/convey things I wanted to say. Although I know you don’t talk about your situation a whole lot in your blog (at least not as far as I can read), it was VERY helpful that you shared a few pieces of your story with me.
I’d also like to thank Anonymous/Karin, thanks for your response to this post, and especially, THANK YOU for the link to Gail’s blog post. That was an immense eye opener. It is a scary realization, but one that for some reason wasn’t sinking in.
All of my plans were geared into controlling two budgets, one of which was a sink hole I had no say in. It was never an option not to contribute blindly to it. I never considered the $400 I pay for dad's car a contribution to my parents, just another of ‘my’ expenses, just like ‘my’ credit cards and grocery bill. I won’t say I had my eyes fully opened, but at least now I am facing the right direction.
What I am saying is, thank you all. It has really been a great help. And I know some of you have been telling me from the get-go to cut the cord or pull the plug or something or other. I wasn’t being stubborn by not doing as I was told. It is just very hard. But something clicked, and now I get it.
So what’ next? I won’t lie. I’ll continue to be an enabler through early January. There are a few unresolved odds and ends I want to do away with, and it is the holiday season and all. I will be severely limiting any extra funds that go to them, if at all, as well as my time with them. This feels wrong, especially since I am ‘borrowing’ one of the cars because my older one died. But there’s not much I can do about it, and if I didn’t have to pay for my dad’s car, I am sure I could be paying for my own car. So there. I’m a mean person.
In reading your last few posts and your "about Me" page, it is apparent that you are trying to do the right thing in helping your parents. Granted, your mom did "help" herself to YOUR credit....but You do have a soft spot for your dad and I can understand that. Your situation is complicated to say the least. You have to do what is best for you and what you can live with. Looking forward to seeing how things will play out for you. Stay Strong.!
ReplyDeleteIts a hard decision to come to and I know you didnt take it lightly. I am glad that in January/February you will finally start living for yourself and putting yourself first.
ReplyDeleteHopefully your parents will learn and things will get better but remember sometimes you have to put yourself first.
We are all proud of you and will all be here for your.
Judy
Us enablers have to stick together, right? It's been nice being able to read your posts and relate to you also.
ReplyDeleteI don't really talk to the BF about my problems with my mom too much, I guess I'm just hoping that one day she'll come around, and by me not telling the BF everything, that he won't end up hating her when she "eventually" does come around and get her life together.
Am I a horrible person for hoping that her new boyfriend will love her and take care of her? I kind of just want the responsibility of taking care of her off of my hands.
Shes been asking me if she can move in with me lately, and the other day I talked to her for the first time in over a month and she was being more serious about it. Of course she is ungrateful as hell and asked me if I would buy a bigger house before she moves in!
P.S. I don't know if some of you read my blog post the other day, but this is what was bothering me. I didn't want to post it on my blog because I think someone in my family found out about my blog and has been reading it.
Sorry about my super long comment. I should also add that I would rather sell my house and live on the streets (so that she can't move in) than her come and live with me.
ReplyDeleteShe hates the BF also, which I don't know why. So it would never work.
@ Lisa & Judy - Thanks for being understanding! And thanks for the encouragement. You guys rock as cheerleaders.
ReplyDelete@ Michele - I should be one to talk about long comments/posts! I don't think you're a bad person at all. If mother's BF works out, then it is a win for a lot of parties, and it should make it easier for you and your BF. To be honest, I just chuckled at your mother's demand for your lifestyle... ouch. Not funny at all, but it's sad I can relate to that. I would also either go to the streets or to the smallest studio/1br apt I could find in town to stop her from even thinking about moving in... I thought your post had something to do with that as well, but you're a bit more private than I am. (And that's probably a good thing!). Hope things pan out eventually.
We ALL enable in one way or another. We wouldn't be human otherwise. It's a hard thing to stop because we get something out of it too. I've started to ask my daughter (shoe's on the other foot:) to contribute to gas for my car and for her share of the car insurance. She grumbled that she's trying to save for her next tuition bill in January but I see her bring home $95 cashmere sweathers and get her hair coloured at a salon in the last week so then I don't feel so much like a bad mother). I've only had the one child so it's been easy to spoil her and take TOO much care of her. We continuously talk about needs vs. wants.
ReplyDeleteTanner, you will find your way, I know you will.
It took some time but only you will know what to do. You may be an enabler but you are a good person and I may not have been able to do what you do but I can understand why and I admire it.
ReplyDeleteYour heart is in the right place.
I'm glad you could use the link to gails post :)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to change the way you do things when you have been brought up to believe its your responsibility to support your parents,even if they dont want to take responsibiliy themselves.
I believe a lot of people are struggeling with issues like yours, but not many write about their trouble.
Take a little time to read the comments to this article, and you will find that you are not alone:
http://consumerist.com/2011/11/are-you-responsible-for-bailing-out-your-financially-irresponsible-parents.html
I look forward to reading about you dealing with the situation.
Karin