Research topic: Money & Friendship

I have decided to do some research on certain things and share my findings with you. These types of posts will be done in 3 parts: Side A, Side B and conclusion/compilation. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Money and Friends : Does lending money to a friend ruin the friendship?

I have a friend. Let's call him AB. He's the kind of best friend I'd entrust with my wallet, my social security card, my mother's maiden name and my first born child. You know those calamities we think of when we say someone's had a "bad year"? Most have happened to him in the last 18 months. He's not your exemplary money manager, but he's not wasting his money in an offending manner. He's just had a very tough time.

Then his car broke down and it'd take about $300 to fix. It had to be repaired ASAP. I offered to lend him the money until he got paid that next Friday. The only reason I offered a loan and not a gift is because he would never accept a monetary gift from me (I know, I've tried). He refused. I insisted, he still refused. He said money damages friendships. So, does it?


Side A: Of course lending money ruins friendships! 
Poking around the net started to shout at me, "don't lend money! It will be over! Bad idea! Your friendship will be damaged, crippled or gone forever, despite anything you can do!"

This article from Mr. Mafioso at Askmen.com says that nothing quite kills a friendship like lending (or refusing to lend) money. They argue that it just can't end well. Then we have this article by CompanionTree and recently by TheSimpleDollar where loaning money to a friend should only be done if you're willing to a) write it off as a gift or b) be prepared for a legal battle in case of default. The first two articles suggest: a written, signed contract so that both lender/borrower know what's going on. Or to just gift the money if you can afford it. Either way, loans and friendship don't mix.

TheSimpleDollar takes a less strict hands-off approach I sort of prefer to the contractual version, where you leave the lender take ownership of the loan. Their terms, their repayment plan, and if they fail to do so, they've already been told no further loaning would occur. If those two aren't enough of a read, head over to PersonalLoans.org for 41 stories why NOT to lend the money.

If the friend can't repay because of their own mismanagement or because of things outside of their control, both sides will suffer:

• From the lending side, there will be resentment. You will lose trust in this friend. 
• From the borrower side, this will add stress and embarrassment.

Have you ever considered loaning (or gifting) money, but didn't? What were your reasons? How did it go?

Week Recap 11/28 & Eye Exam

Weeks run Monday through Sunday. Days that aren't listed are no-spend days. This is what happened last week:

Thursday 11/24:
$15.33 bread and drinks for parents' house

Friday 11/25:
$6.28 grocery + dinner

Saturday 11/26:
$280.22 car insurance
$109.00 eye doctor. Still have to go back and place an order for contacts, but since the brand of contacts I was using got recalled about two months ago, they put me on a different prescription and I have to wait and see if they are comfortable/fitting enough. So far, so good. We're switching insurance carriers next year, so I will get glasses with the new insurance at some point in January. I just need a pair of backup glasses for when my eyes are tired/irritated. When I do place an order (probably for a 6mo supply), it will only be about $40 after the insurance kicks in. Not terribly bad, I think. A year's worth was something like $170, so there was no way in heck I'm going with that option. These new contacts are much more expensive than my old ones. Meh.

Oh, and I did complete my EF on Friday. Yes, I am mighty proud about it too. Is it odd that I had a bad dream of some check bouncing from my checking account and taking about $400 from my savings account? I hope not.

Another grocery store story

I promise I will stop posting these little grocery shopping adventures, especially when they are so small and relatively insignificant, but...

After a less than exciting Thanksgiving night, I was left quite hungry on Friday. So I decided, heck, I'll go get myself some food. Pre-made stuff I don't have to prepare myself. So I went to the grocery store with a certain $5 deal in mind. While I waited for my dinner to be assembled, the guy told me to go around and shop (I guess I was making him nervous), so I did just that. And there were two packages of meat that caught my eyes. Both of them were expiring soon, so they were on sale for $4.99/ea PLUS a $3 off coupon from each. I picked two packages and went to pick up my dinner and went to pay. The lines with cashiers both had two people waiting, while the self-checkout was empty. Heavens help me, I decided to try my luck with the self-checkout machines for coupons. Glad I did!

The dinner was $5 even, and the meat was supposed to come out to $1.99/ea, or a total of $9.51 after taxes. One of the meats wasn't ringing right (just my luck), so I had to call in for help, and the sweetest young girl came over. She was as confused as I was, but eventually managed to get the meat to price right. Then came the coupons... she scanned the first one, went ok. But the second one didn't, and it seemed to null the previous one. So after 6 minutes of fiddling with the machine, she entered the amounts. By this time, I was more than anxious to leave, and didn't quite look at the total. Didn't I just say last time that I needed to start looking at my receipts more carefully?

Anyway, I come home and eat because I was starving. I clean up and go look at the receipt (this was the same store that did not want to give me my $1.88 back), and the total on the receipt was $6.28 after taxes. Wait, what? I look closely and the coupon wasn't nulled on the first transaction, but she went ahead and took it two more times after that. So I got $3 extra! Or I got the $1.88 with interest.

Yes, I'm easily amused.

EF is back on track!

I got paid today, and my savings account is up to $1,007! Wow! I got $20 more than I expected from my part time job (it pays off to stay after 2:00am!). Add to that $25 that I paid for my younger sister's phone that she repaid back. I am so excited. It took me a full month less to get to my goal than expected.

I normally wait until the next pay period to move anything to savings, in case I would need to use those funds (and avoid withdrawing from savings), but heck with it. I wanted to see $1,000 there!

This was mostly thanks to closing the doors on my Murphy family. They haven't had any utilities disconnected (yet), though they haven't really made any payments either (yet), so it is early to say if this is a good thing or a bad thing. This frees up about $200 for Christmas. I'm unsure if I want to add next month's $200 to my EF/Murphy fund or if to use it in my first snowball. I am leaning towards snowballs, as I am pretty excited to get that ball going. I can't think of a better way to start the year, if I say so myself.

All that I will say about Thanksgiving is that getting disowned was looking like the better choice last night.

Hope everyone had a great break, though! 29 days before Christmas, so it's back to the grind. Time to start formulating next year's goals and plans.

Let's not forget to give THANKS

I have some of the usual things to be thankful for... For example:
- My two jobs.
- The people I work with.
- My friends. Especially my best friend in IL and my half brother, originally from CA.
- My ability and wellbeing to travel.
- My now-gone car.
- My life and my health. I am one of those people that people like to hate on because of how healthy we are.

Last, I am thankful for my family. I'd be an ungrateful little brat if I didn't include them. After all, it's like a tree not being thankful for the ground that fed it and made it actually exist. I don't agree with them, and I really really dislike most of them. However, they shaped me to who I am today. I like who I am, and I like where I am. I wish it was better, but I guess part of the forgiving process is to appreciate the good in bad things. After all, not all bad can be bad. Or something. (Cut me some slack, it was a tough sell.)

Now I have to ask you for two things:

1. Can you think of some things you are thankful for that you disagree with or didn't like? Look at the silver lining of a bad situation/event and honestly be thankful for them?

2. Think of people not in your immediate family and that you probably won’t see for Thanksgiving but that have left a positive mark in your life this past year. Do they matter enough you are honestly and really thankful for them? Pick 1-5. Find their cell phone numbers, email addresses, house phones, and make an attempt to let them know how thankful you are for having them. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. A simple text with "thank you for being my friend" or "thank you for helping me move the couch back in February" will suffice.

I will admit I dislike Thanksgiving's media/retail holiday. But if there's a day that is all about being thankful and less about hostessing, preparing a large fancy meal and impressing people, then I'm game.

(Of course, I’m thankful for all of you who read and comment on my aimless rambling. I appreciate your comments/visits as I try to figure out how to make things work, and I'm thankful that you are not judgmental or condescending.)

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving break and don't forget to be thankful and give thanks!

Week Recap 11/21, pre-Thanksgiving jitters

Weeks run from Monday to Sunday. Here's what happened last week:

Thursday 11/17:
- $6.55 gift
- $75 for cellphone bill

Nothing really interesting happened this week, budget wise. I think that's a good thing.

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Meal plan:
Mon: Leftover fried rice and ground pork, salad // Tue: Rice, fish and corn // Wed: Empanadas, salad, yogurt // Thu: Thanksgiving. (Sigh.) // Fri: Leftovers // Sat: Turkey sandwiches, potato salad // Sun: Rice and meatballs

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[start rant]I know, I know. Thanksgiving. I’m as fond of that holiday as I am of... well, let’s just say I am not fond of it at all. I didn’t grow up with it, and it makes as little sense to me as celebrating Columbus Day back home. I actually don’t mind it because of the origins or background behind it.

However.


At my parent’s house, Thanksgiving is as good of an opportunity as any for my mother to make sure that our half-full glasses are half empty or fully empty. My mother does cook a meal. I should be thankful there's food in that house for a chance. After my pride is gone or at least not looking, free food is still free food, which is good on my books. But the things you have to endure to get to the meal make me wonder if I should just go hungry or have a quiet dinner out somewhere else by myself. That would mean getting disowned and I am not quite ready for that yet.

I, by no standards, am I trying to be the spoiled kid that takes things for granted and isn’t appreciative of things. I mean that you spent the whole day under verbal attacks, yelling, hostile/snide comments about you and the other members of the family and loud obnoxious would-be religious/'holiday' music that only stops for her to curse and yell some more. And talk/lie about people/things on the phone to people you don't know. The dinner only gets better, but I digress.

However (again).

I do have a lot of things to be really thankful about. Besides my job (both of them), the rest of the things are out of state. But that will be a post in itself for Wednesday or Thursday.

Getting homesick for a place that doesn't exist

It doesn't exist yet, but I sure wish it did. After moving in Nov '10, I was left sort of displaced. Even before moving, living with my parents was nowhere near being a 'home'. Now I live in a house or two of them depending how you look at it (my parents' vs the room I rent close to work) but neither of them are 'homes'. I've been 'homeless' for a while. I mean no disrespect when using the word, but that's the only way I can describe it. I live in houses. But they're not a home. I don't feel at home at either of them, and haven't for a very long while.

I guess I'm longing for that place in the future that I can call a home. It may be a small, crowded studio apartment for a while, and I'd be more than ok with this. A home is not so much about the space, but what you put into it. Now with my car gone, it has added to the feeling of displacement. For someone who was driving at least 10hrs a week, a car was something I got attached to, and I am still bitter it is gone. The new-to-me car is nice, but yeah.

I have also been looking at my budget and readjusted it for the rest of the quarter. No snowballs yet! Probably none until January. Very disappointed in that. However, I may be able to reach the $1000 EF at the end of this month if no Murphy/parent-emergency comes along, which I am sure they will. But after New Year's, then the real battle begins. For one year straight, every penny will be going to debt. 12 straight months where nothing will be paid off to provide encouragement or motivation. But if I can survive those 12 months and stick to the plan, I will be rewarded with paying off 4 of 5 debts in the following 5 months.

I still want desperately to write some... worthwhile posts, not that I've written any, but by the time I catch a break from work, my head goes off wandering off to the would-be place and I get a bit melancholic. So that has been me for the last 2 weeks.

100 Things

Have you heard about the 100 Thing Challenge? The idea starts off as reducing the amount of things you own to a mere 100 items (or 1.5x per person), but in the end, you discover that ‘100’ is simply a number and not a mandate. The whole idea is to reduce consumerism for consumerism sake. To stop mindless buying and hoarding of things that serve no significant purpose or value. To acquire things mindfully and because you need/want/can afford them, and not because some obscure standard of society tells you to go and get them.

I thought I’d try it, but the more I looked at it, the more difficult it seemed. A toothbrush is an item. A pair of socks. Your wardrobe probably contains more than 20 items (mine tops at about 30). Then add in pots and pans, a few sofas, a dining room table set, a rug... you get the idea. Though the idea isn’t as concrete, I don’t think consumable items (soap, toothpaste, food in the pantry) count as individual items. Again, the number isn’t a mandate, but it gets you thinking.

Once you start listing your belongings, you can really see that you may have a lot of things, and quite a few of them, you can do without... so if you can do without them, why not get rid of them? I have seen a lot of posts dealing with decluttering and cleaning and getting ready for the new year, so I thought this would be tim

Could you write down and count everything that you own? How many individual items do you think you own in total? Last, could you downsize your belongings to 100 if you had to?

Week Recap 11/14

Weeks run from Monday to Sunday. Here's what happened last week:

Monday 11/7:
$90.90 - cable bill for my parents. Sigh.
$10.58 - groceries
$10 - donation/fundraising.

Friday 11/11:
$180 - student loans
$150 - credit cards
$410 - dad's car payment. We're down to the last 15 payments! I can't wait.
$10.76 - take-out dinner

Sunday 11/13:
$77.93 - groceries and some misc items
$40.00 - gas for my car

I thought I'd only have 1 funny story to share with you about my shopping trips. It ended up being two.

First one occurred last Monday. I really didn't want to go shopping at that time, but I had some coupons that were for free items (carton of eggs and frozen veggies, total of up to $5 back) if I spent $10 on anything. So I go ahead and do that, buying some bagged salads and some produce that was on sale. The cashier mischarged me for something I didn't buy ($1.88 for a head of romaine lettuce), which isn't a lot... but out of $10, that's almost 20%! It significantly overturned the whole reason why I went there. I didn't discover it until I got home. I also discovered that I had received about .55c extra because the coupons for free items were counted for their max value and not the value of the item purchased. I went there the following afternoon during my lunch break and they told me that there was no way they could track that I didn't buy what I was charged for, even despite the fact I had bought 3 bags of bagged salad, and the mischarged item was a head of lettuce, which didn't make sense. They couldn't refund me. I fought a bit, and stood my ground, but no-go. You win some, you lose some. Not sure if to feel bad because I didn't get a refund or because of the fact I went through the whole process trying to claim back a mere $1.88 (or $1.33 if you take away the 55c I got extra).

The second time was on Sunday. I went for my two-week restock as well as some personal items. I had tons of coupons to use, so 4 stores later, I end up at a somewhat major retailer. I buy most of the items on my list, and see that there's a promotion of buy $15 worth of this line and get $5 off. I hate the idea of buying that much soap/deodorant, but I was running low and it's not like the items will spoil. Besides, they were on a great sale at the price you end up with. Long story short, they missed not one, but two of my coupons, and they didn't apply the $5 back. I tracked down a manager and had him go over my receipt (which was long). He said that I hadn't been charged for one of the items and because of that, I hadn't met the $15 requirement. He went on to tell me that if he did ring me up for it, the savings would've only been $1.50, so he nonchalantly told the cashier to give me $1.50 and that I could 'keep the item'. What the heck. I had him look at the items closely (all of the items had been rung, one was under a different name for whatever reason), and he pretended he still didn't see it, but apparently I was getting under his skin, so he had the cashier give me $5 cash. I didn't even bother to mention the other two coupons (small, under $2 total).

I am really looking closely at my receipts from now on. I am really making it a goal to use more coupons, and thus far, I've received quite a negative response from the stores. Oh well. I saved a good $40 out of the $77 on Sunday. I guess I can't complain.

Thanks all, I get it now!

Ok, ok. I got it. It sunk in. Well, it’s stuck in dry quicksand, but slowly sinking in. I could thank everyone individually, but that’d take me a while. I do want to thank Michele P. I was feeling like the ugly duckling and got very discouraged I was the only ‘enabler’ of the group. There’s no right way to put that, but I mean it in the best possible way! I was struggling with a different kind of debt and a different situation than most people I had seen, and couldn't find a way to relate/convey things I wanted to say. Although I know you don’t talk about your situation a whole lot in your blog (at least not as far as I can read), it was VERY helpful that you shared a few pieces of your story with me.

I’d also like to thank Anonymous/Karin, thanks for your response to this post, and especially, THANK YOU for the link to Gail’s blog post. That was an immense eye opener. It is a scary realization, but one that for some reason wasn’t sinking in.

All of my plans were geared into controlling two budgets, one of which was a sink hole I had no say in. It was never an option not to contribute blindly to it. I never considered the $400 I pay for dad's car a contribution to my parents, just another of ‘my’ expenses, just like ‘my’ credit cards and grocery bill. I won’t say I had my eyes fully opened, but at least now I am facing the right direction.

What I am saying is, thank you all. It has really been a great help. And I know some of you have been telling me from the get-go to cut the cord or pull the plug or something or other. I wasn’t being stubborn by not doing as I was told. It is just very hard. But something clicked, and now I get it.

So what’ next? I won’t lie. I’ll continue to be an enabler through early January. There are a few unresolved odds and ends I want to do away with, and it is the holiday season and all. I will be severely limiting any extra funds that go to them, if at all, as well as my time with them. This feels wrong, especially since I am ‘borrowing’ one of the cars because my older one died. But there’s not much I can do about it, and if I didn’t have to pay for my dad’s car, I am sure I could be paying for my own car. So there. I’m a mean person.

Shout-out for Carla's giveaway/donation

Our friend Carla at My 1/2 Dozen Daily is hosting not only a giveaway with rather charming prizes, but a wonderful fundraising for not one, not two, or three, but for over 8 good causes, 5.5 of them already reached!

If you haven't already, and I am sure most of you have, go over to her blog giveaway post and check it out. $1 is a contribution. No, really. $1 is a VERY good contribution, so don't be intimidated if you can't contribute more than that, because $1 is awesome. So go on over and say hi to her. Oh, and donate if you can. No pressure.

Also, I've decided to throw my hands on this issue, so if you already (or decide to) follow her blog and you're able to do so, can you please tell me how you did it? Every time I try adding her blog, I get:

http://halfdozendaily.blog.com/An error occured, try again later. Error code: bX-m4cbea

I've also tried to add halfdozendaily.blog.com/feed/ and a few other fixes I found around. I wouldn't say I am computer illiterate, but I've ran out of options, so if you can help, that'd be appreciated!

Week Recap 11/7, Meal Plans and Talk outcome

Weeks run from Mon-Sun. This is what happened last week:

Friday: $11.10 bread for parents' house, and bought a sandwich at the store because I was hungry. The sandwich was awful, and it took me over 20min to decide whether to buy it or not. Should've not! Lesson learned. On the flip side, I did get a coupon for a free sandwich. Decisions, decisions.

And that's it. Pretty boring, but I think it offsets last week where I barely had any non-spend days.

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As part of my goals for November, I needed at least 2 weeks of meal planning. It would ideally help me manage my food shopping and my diet. That, and I'd hate to admit that I ate tostino's pizza rolls for dinner on Wed/Thu, with frozen veggies, and had a hot pocket sandwich for lunch, with frozen veggies for Thu/Fri. Yes. Shame on me BIG time. But at least I did have some veggies.

Mon: Soup and bread, go shopping for rice
Tue: Rice and italian sausages, salad w/ tomatoes, cucumber and cheese
Wed: Rice and fish, salad
Thu: Roasted potato wedges with sausages

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Oh, yes. About 'the talk'. It started out poorly, and ended a few steps behind the start line. I gave up towards the end. It was emotionally and mentally draining. Sorry. I thought calling the whole thing off before it started on Sunday, but the thought of disappointing you guys made me go for it anyway. After seeing it fail, the only thing I can really say is that I tried. Though I'm still disappointed.

My mother doesn't want me to take control. She has the excuse that because they've made it thus far, they can make it. That I actually don't know better compared to her, and that, oh yeah, the sky is red and the moon is made of cheese at her command. Her side of the argument was not valid by any standards, specially because they can't even pay the rent this month.

I promise I only have one last attempt to be made, via snailmail. I’ll write everything that needs to happen and how to follow my plans without me butting in or getting myself involved. After that, then I’m VERY afraid I’ll have to go hands-off. I’ll increase my contribution to them to $200/mo (vs. $100 set), and cut off any extended parent-Murphy interference. I will still be paying for the car, which is $410/mo. These changes will probably mean I will limit my visits to their house eveb further. The letter, which is yet to be crafted, will be in the mail no later than tomorrow. The pressure's on!

THANK YOU everyone for your comments. I know you are right for the most part, and I'm not being stubborn because I want to. It is a hard situation, and I had hoped I could resolve it my way, but perhaps that was never in the cards.

When choices are made for you

[scratches whole post]

I was going to say how I was confused/frustrated in the face of a challenge. How I had the weekend off from my weekend job, so I had the choice of either staying at the house I rent a room out of and rest, or head to my parents' house, continue cleaning and have 'the talk'. The post was getting to be longish.

But the decision has been made for me, as I just got a call from my weekend employer asking me if I could help them out tomorrow. I said sure. So I guess I'm going to my parents' house after all. If only life always worked that easily.

I like quotes a lot. Here's one of them that came to me last night as I was busy tossing and turning at 2:17am:
"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."

I'm not afraid to say I am afraid of this talk. My financial future DOES stand in the balance. Whether I succeed or fail at this talk wont determine whether I shall succeed or fail in the future, but it will affect the degrees of succees or failure. If I succeed, I can make them self sustainable, which means I can pay more of my debt faster, save more quicker, and get to my goals on time while leaving them better off. If I fail, it means we have not changed one bit, and there will still be a hole in my budget that will bleed my funds.  I will still reach my goals, but not with the same amount of savings. (Yes, I know I dont have to sustain them. Yes, I know I need to stop helping them if they wont listen. No, I can't do that right now, sorry. Not entirely.)

On better news, the phone I want has reduced its price. Glad to see that my waiting is paying off, but I still wont change my current phone until it completely dies beyond repair. Or the phone I want goes on a really good sale.

Hello November! Goal Updates

New goals:

-Have 'the talk' with parents and decide whether to engage or disengage of their finances

-Catch up to parent's HALF overdue bills, totalling $1,325 (Half being $662.50... how the heck am I planning on doing this?!)

-Get EF up to $500 $650 (EF stands at $450 as of 11/1)

-Do meal planning for 2 of 5 weeks in November

-Exercise 10 days (any 10 days. Have to start somewhere.)

-Late on this, but I need to figure out Christmas. I'd rather not give anything out, and I am really not obligated morally or otherwise to exchange gifts, but it would be a nice thing to do. A nice, money-costing thing.
-Look at ways to supplement own income


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Previous goals and how it stands: Green for Success, Red for Failure.

-Find the $800 missing to complete bare-bone household budget

Found $600, brother will have to do for the difference AND extra for savings. We'll see about that.

-Not spend more money (duh, not like I can!)

Car breaking down 10/7 (tow fee), overdraft 10/5 (from paying mother's card). Paid extra for mother's card 10/25 (caused the overdraft... vicious cycle), and something else I can't remember. Not bad for a few unexpected expenses.

-Plan outing/visit to half brother

Done 10/29... isnt it sad I have to PLAN this?

I know this doesn't sound important, but it was important for me. He's over all the way from CA and I want to spend some time with him. No photos, sorry. I don't even bother to take photos with my 1.2mp camera!

-Figure out cost of fixing all broken cars and/or at least fix my own car
Fail. Car broke down. Cost to fix all cars is $450-$600 depending whether we buy the pieces or order them at the mechanics. I really need to work on fixing the car the younger two use for school before they get into an accident because the engine shuts down in the middle of a highway like my car did.
-Keep $200 in EF...

Barely made it, thanks to my part time job. I managed to keep $200 most of the time. I dont count my part-time job's money anywhere in my budget, because it is not secure. It also varies a lot, and there will be weeks/months where I make nothing because of no work, especially in winter time. So not sure if this was a win or a fail...

All in all I accomplished 3, failed at 1 and modified one because of unforseen situations. Here's to a better month!